She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
