Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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