some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
