Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
