Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
