I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My life is pants optional.
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