I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
