Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
