kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
