I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
3pm strippers are depressing
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need a burrito and a hug.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
