i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
