I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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