She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
