nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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