I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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