so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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