i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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