I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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