just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
