the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
