I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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