Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
