Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
