1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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