I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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