I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
