new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
