I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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