Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
