I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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