you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
