he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
