nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
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I stole a fireplace last night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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