Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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