You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
