She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
