i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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