You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
In America we eat man semen.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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