shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
