I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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