The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
