yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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