My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
