he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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