I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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