my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
