First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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