I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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