Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
