i'm signing you up for texting rehab
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
