Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
