is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
