I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
where am i from again
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
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Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
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I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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