The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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