brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
