Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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