Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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