Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
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Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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